Hindi Ko Alam, Bahala Na

July 15, 2014

 

 

 

Dear Stalker,

 

 

Bilib na bilib talaga ako sa mga taong nasa industriya ng pangmasang pagpapahayag ng mga balita o impormasyon para malaman ng taong-bayan ang kung ano-ano ang mga nangyayari sa ating lipunan. Hindi biro ang lakas ng loob o determinasyon na meron sila para makalap ang mga sariwa, tunay at patas na balita na walang halong opinyon ng buong tapang. Alam din naman natin siguro na nakasalalay din ang kanilang buhay subalit sige parin sila sa paghahatid satin ng impormasyon. Para sa akin, ang pagiging miyembro ng industriya ng media ay isang karangalan upang maibahagi mo ang kapiranggot ng iyong sarili at hindi para mismo makita sa harap ng kamera para magpasikat o makilala ng madla. Mapa-dyaryo man yan, entablado, radyo, telebisyon o sa likod ng kamera - malawak talaga ang mundo ng media. Gusto ko sana, kung papalarin, maging isang mamamahayag dahil maliban sa gusto kong maghatid ng kamalayan para mabuksan ang ating mga mata, lalong lalo na yung mga nasa posisyon at mamulat sila sa katotohanan at para sana kumilos sila at gawin nila ang nararapat, bagkus para magamit at maibahagi rin ang biyayang ipinagkaloob ng Diyos sa akin, maging inspirasyon at para na rin magpasaya ng tao. Wala akong kapangyarihan ibahin ang estado ng buhay nating lahat, pero in a way, alam kong magandang hangarin ito. Pero alam ko sa sarili ko na kahit kailan hindi ako magiging kasinghusay na tagapag-ulat o taga-sulat ng mga balita tulad na lamang ng mga hinahangaan ko. Di naman kasi ako matalino o nag-aaral sa isang kilalang-kilala na unibersidad. Sabagay, marami namang oportunidad ang Communications Arts.

 

Sa maniwala ka o sa hindi, pang-apat na kurso ko na ito at mula noon, alam kong ito na nga talaga ang para sa akin kahit na dini-discourage pa ako ng isang empleyado ng dati kong division na wag lumipat dahil bagsakan o tapunan daw ng mga mangmang yung division ko ngayon. Nangliit ako at inis na inis kasi ganun na lang ang tingin niya pala sa amin. Isipin mo na lang na lahat tayo ay may kakayahan at kahinaan. Lahat ng aspeto sa buhay ay importante. Isipin mo rin kung walang tamang komunikasyon, paano na lang tayo magkakaintindihan? Puro na lang ba miscommunication na maaaring mag-dulot ng away, tampuhan o giyera sa mas malala dahil sa di tamang pagkakaintindihan? Kung walang komunikasyon, edi wala na ring mga libro, dyaryo, komersyal, pelikula at kung ano-ano pang kaukulan na maaaring magpalawak ng ating kaalaman. Oo, parang kung walang kursong Engineering o Architecture, edi walang mga gusali o mga magagara at matitibay na inprastraktura? Kung walang kursong Edukasyon, edi wala tayong mga guro? Kung walang kursong Nursing, edi walang titingin o manggagamot sa mga may sakit? Kung walang kursong Accountacy, edi walang mag-ma-manage ng pera sa bangko? At marami pang iba’t ibang kurso. Kaya wala tayong karapatan maliitin ang iba’t ibang field ng propesyon na hindi natin napili. Masaya ako dahil pumayag na ang mga magulang ko at very supportive naman sila sa akin dahil pinagbigyan nila ang matagal ko ng hinihiling sa kanila. Gusto nila talaga ako maging nars o kumuha ng pre-med course o ng Information Technology at mag-medisina kasi wala raw pera sa Mass Communications. Pinagbigyan ko sila pero wala talaga dun yung puso ko. I somehow feel bad kasi di ko natupad yung gusto nila para sa akin at sayang din sa oras, enerhiya at pera pero di ko kasi talaga linya yun. (Hay, ang daming ‘kasi,’ ’but,’ o ‘pero.’ Ang daming dahilan. Haha) Sa kabilang banda, I felt somehow liberated and me doing something that I love. Passion kumbaga. Ayon nga sa isang kasabihan, kung mahal mo talaga ang ginagawa mo kahit mahirap (dahil wala namang madali), hindi ka na magtratrabaho buong buhay mo. (Sinalin ko lang yan sa wikang Filipino. Hehe)

 

Kung hindi ako magiging food/travel show host, documentary filmmaker, radio DJ o field reporter, pwede ako siguro maging public relations officer, (news)writer, copyreader, instructor, flight attendant, businesswoman o kumuha ng Law o Culinary Arts at marami pang iba. Kaya ayaw na ayaw ko magsalita ng patapos dahil baka kainin ko rin pala yung mga pinagsasasabi ko. Tignan na lang natin. Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung anong meron ang tadhana para sa akin. But I’m pretty sure that this is my calling. Lakas ng apog ko ‘no? Tapos pagkagraduate, sa kangkungan lang din pala ang bagsak ko. Hehehe Ayaw ko rin kasing nag-e-expect ng kung ano-ano sa akin. Basta I’ll just do my job or what I have to do. Naku, ano ba ‘yan? Bente-anyos na ako, ganito parin? Ayayay! Saludo rin ako sa mga taong simula’t sapul alam na nila kung anong gusto nila sa buhay. Bahala na. (Alam ko, alam ko. Masama ang ‘bahala na’ attitude pero… Hay. Haha) Sino ba naman ako bilang isang estudyante, newbie, amateur, o beginner para magsalita ng parang alam ko na ang lahat? Na para bang nagyayabang, lalo’t lalo na wala pa akong napapatunayan at nararating? Pero nagpapasalamat talaga ako sa Diyos, sa mga mahal ko sa buhay at sa mga taong humubog at unti pang humuhubog sa akin bilang maging isang taong nararapat maging ako. Kung hindi dahil sa kanila, baka hindi ako maging sino man ako ngayon. Kahit papaano, alam ko may plano Siya sa ating lahat, maaaring ito’y kasing laki, lawak at lalim ng karagatan o kasing simple ng isang buto, lahat ng ito’y may rason. Pero take note na hindi ako umaasa. Whatever the future has in store for me, I’d gladly take it with open arms. Gagawin ko lang yung parte ko at ibubuhos ko ang atensyon ko sa kasalukuyan.

 

Malamang, wala naman sigurong nakakabasa nito kaya ibinuhos ko na lang talaga lahat-lahat ng nilalaman ng isipan at ng puso ko at maibahagi na rin sayo kung sakali mang napadpad ka lang sa blog ko (maliban na lang siguro kung sinusubaybayan mo ako). Pangarap ko lang naman ang mga ito. Di naman sigurong masamang mangarap kaya taasan ko na rin. Tutal, libre naman, ‘di ba? Wag mo akong seryosohin. Biro ko lang mga ito.

 

Pero maraming salamat sa paggugugol mo ng oras upang basahin itong liham ko. Paumanhin.

 

 

 

Lubos na nagmamahal,

Miss Peculiar

WWYD: If You Won The Lottery?

If I won the lotto, I’d put up a business and make investments to make it bigger and stable so I can share it through charitable cause. Of course I won’t just simply deposit everything in the bank and spend it like nothing, I have to secure it for the future and put it in good use. Maybe if everything is settled down or all is already stable like we have no more debts, I helped my family and I have everything I need - with no second thoughts, I’d give back to others so they can also grow successful through scholarship, livelihood and feeding programs. I won’t just simply give, give, give and give materialistic stuff. How will they stand on their own? I would like to quote this inspirational saying:

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; show him how to catch fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

But I don’t ever want to have the final word. That’s just one of my dreams or goals that I wish to fulfill. hihi

Taking Credits

When I was in high school, two of my classmates took credit of my part in a “group” project for English class. I would have let it pass and unhold grudges if they recognized, said ‘thank you’ or just simply appreciate my effort and how we have something to submit. I’m thankful for meeting them despite of the anger I felt when they took credit of my work by taking it from me and presenting it without even telling our English teacher that they didn’t do a single thing to help build the theater box. They kept on discussing ideas without even asking for mine. I tried suggesting but it’s as if I don’t exist, getting cut-off like a pariah. They decided they want to create a puppet theater with puppets tied with strings and assigned me to do the theater box. When the submission day arrived, I found out I did my part and they didn’t. What’s a stage without characters? Deep inside my head, I kept telling them to stop finalizing ideas without even making them into reality.

At least from then on, I knew that I never want to be like them. I was a very shy girl in high school that I don’t have the courage to speak or stand for myself with fear of making things worse. They probably thought I was retarded that “I don’t feel or sense that I’m being taken for granted”. I used to keep my feelings to myself to the point where I got depressed. I also felt that my English teacher hated me while I felt jealousy that she only notices my two groupmates and praising my work as if it was really them who made it. I excused myself for the restroom and cried in the cubicle that time. I didn’t know what to do because I don’t want them embarrassed if I cried and opened up right then and there. Besides, two against one? Never mind. I’m the type who can’t bear to ask or pay someone else to do an assignment and claim it as my work when I know I can and must do. I know some classmates who do that where also my Science teacher doubted me if I’m like the others; if I really did my thesis when I submitted it. She asked me if I photocopied it because of the letters’ appearance. Of course not, the printer I used was a laser-type where it’s slowly wearing out from overuse which caused white strikethroughs. I’m not like that. I may not be smart but I’m not desperate enough to cheat. I worked hard for it, staying up late nights until the wee hours of morning to come up with a topic, experiment, research, organize, form, encode and print to complete my thesis until the said submission date. But I won’t disregard the fact of my acknowledgement with the help I got from Papa for searching a quality but worth spent hardbound bookbinder and a family friend who gave me a specimen from their backyard for free instead of buying other kinds and ended my search because I kept on searching anywhere but can’t find any. I’d rather get a low score from giving all my best than to be dishonest. How will I learn if I copied them? I’m so sensitive and juvenile, huh? But that was before. I cared too much. I’m already over it and every time I recall that time, I just laugh about what happened.

The funny thing is, being assigned as the negative or opposition, I had to rebut or contradict a case through essay form in my finals in public speaking about debate in college. If my memory serves me right, the statement goes something like this: “Plagiarism Should Be Penalized”. Since it is to test our ability whether to affirm or deny any given case and defend our appointment, we have to persuade the jury to approve our side. It was difficult for my part to defend something that isn’t actually in line with my views, but for the sake of following instructions, I have no choice but to “lie” since Lincoln-Douglas debate format is like a game where you have to hold ground in order to win however you disagree with your appointed side.

Aside from already knowing that taking credits is wrong since the beginning, I learned how much it hurts for somebody else to take your work as if it’s theirs. In other words, it’s called ‘stealing’.

Lesson of the Day: “Abstract + Distraction = Abstraction”

image

July 4, 2014 - This marks the first time I accidentally ran over a dog despite of being on the right side of the highway. I would’ve slowed down beforehand if it moved but it stayed in the middle which I mistook as a garbage bag because of its all-black appearance until two orange beady eyes flashed. But it was too late for the brakes.


As a passenger observing the one holding the wheels, it has always been at the back of my head that dogs never stay in the middle of the road, most especially in highways. And if they do cross, they know what to do whether to stop or go. I was paranoid if I immediately swiveled to the sidewalk at the right, I might hit a person or a post; if I turned the wheel to the left, I might collide with an unexpected coming vehicle; and if I immediately pressed the brakes, the vehicle behind me would hit the car and hurt us - all of which are more dangerous.


As those familiar eyes reflected and the hump-like motion we felt, I realized it was actually a dog with an estimation that it’s larger than a cat. I was not given a protocol about unexpected things to stay in the middle of highways. Now feeling as the world’s most idiot driver. How could I not know that? Charge to experience instead. I’ve learnt my lesson and proved it when I avoided a sack at the further right of the road, mistaken it for another creature from being traumatized after the accident. It was an honest mistake. May this serve as a reminder to me aside from other crossing creatures, stubborn bicycles and other vehicles without reflectors. I feel really bad whether if I have killed it or not with the fact I’ve never killed animals in my entire life (except for insects). Didn’t stop for it and drove ahead. All I could offer is a prayer and an apology. I’m sorry. :(

Note to self when on the road: relax but never be confident and always stay alert. #defensivedriver

In Between

image

As you can see, I’ve grouped certain supernatural entities either of which is in black, white and the one in the middle - the gray area. Just to clarify things in correlation to my previous entry, I believe in the existence of the evil and the good. If there is heaven, there is hell; if there are angels, there are devils; and if there is goodness, there is wickedness. But they said there’s something in between opposite poles. I guess the gray area would only apply in other things except for the ones mentioned in the representation above, which is clearly just my opinion…

The Black Arts

There was one incident where I had second thoughts on the existence of witches, witchcraft and other types of sorcery. Our housemaids were said to be victims of such malicious act. This was when we were on the road fetched from where we reside where we’re taking up college. I was told by my parents that one of our housemaids went home because she can’t handle the pain that was inflicted to her by an alleged witch who was just living on the other side of the street. The alleged witch is the wife of one of our employees. She is temporarily staying or having her vacation in our business area. But rumors say that she’s here to check on his husband because she’s the jealous-type, jealous of our housemaids who took a break to consult a witchdoctor. They told me that the alleged witch is very powerful to the point that she had killed her previous victims therefore accusing her as the suspect. I asked my father where does this couple originally came from since both of them don’t know how to speak our dialect. He said that the guy is from Ilocos while the female is from Visayas. Me and my siblings were warned to never look her in the eye nor to talk to her or to never ever have to do anything with her and that we should just ignore her presence and be on our toes; to simply act normal like nothing happened. I was curious as to how the alleged witch affected our housemaids. They said that one of them was not feeling well and the alleged witch told them that she’s a witchdoctor and volunteered that she can heal our housemaid. As a polite gesture, our housemaid allowed the alleged witch to touch her. But the day after that, our housemaid felt a lot worst to the point she can’t hold the pain and went home. The other housemaid also went home a few days later. For almost two weeks, we don’t have housemaids to cater our needs. We eat breakfast bought from a cart, Papa bought viands while I cooked soup and rice for lunch and dinner then I’m also temporarily the dishwasher. Basically, I was the housekeeper for a few days. Problem was the laundry which kept on piling up until a new housemaid arrived. Everyone, as in all the other employees and each of us in the home were relieved and happy when the alleged witch went home. Feeling safe and free from terror.

I was curious why the alleged witch harmed our housemaids instead of us or other people in the area? Why them? I mean, not to sound “stuck up” or judgmental but there’s nothing to be jealous of our main housemaid. She’s not very attractive but cute and chubby. They told me that witches get itchy when they don’t use their “gift” to anyone whether they have done anything wrong or not.

Even though witches are mentioned in the Bible and with all my research that they still exist in the modern day, in all honesty, I don’t believe in witches. In other words, I don’t think that the power of witchcraft is ever true. I believe it’s all in the mind of people who are creating their own ghosts to scare and chase after them. “Mind over matter” as they say; what you think is powerful and therefore, can affect you in totality. Or perhaps, it is karma coming back at you. If not, the odds are the scientific explanation of illnesses but know that I’m respecting others’ beliefs.

I’m not a religious person but I believe that there’s a Highest power that created all of us. I believe in God that His power is supreme over all things; that He has the control and the reason with what is happening to us; that He won’t put us into harm; and that he wants what is best for us to grow as a person that He wants us to be. I also believe in the scientific explanation of illnesses and its causes. And if ever “witches” do exist, always remember that the good is powerful over any black magic. Anyone who is playing God, whether if they’re using it for the good or not, it is still considered devil’s work. God is way more powerful than that. The good always wins over the bad. I also believe that prayer is very powerful. I simply ask for His guidance; for forgiveness for all the wrong things I’ve done to Him and to anyone; to help us in all our endeavors; to bless all of us with good health, peace of mind, happiness, togetherness and love; to give it up all to Him for His will and glory; to keep us safe and away from harm; to bless the hungry, the thirsty, the cold, the homeless and the lonely; to help us forgive all the ones who have wronged us and to simply thank Him for all the blessings He continually gives us. And whatever faith you have, it’s all up to you.

Your choice to take but it’s God’s will to make.

Ang Sari-saring Kahulugan ng “Mali-mali” Mula Sa Iba’t-ibang Tao

Tinanong ko si Papa kung ano ba talagang ibig sabihin ng ‘mali-mali’ kasi litong-lito ako kahit anong gawing pag-research ko sa internet, eh hindi ko parin talaga ma-gets. Nalilito kasi ako kung anong pinagkaiba nito sa pagiging magugulatin. Napapaisip tuloy ako kung may mali-mali ba ako o wala. Pero kung tutuusin, dito lang naman sa bago naming bahay ako nagiging magugulatin. Siguro naprapraning na rin dahil medyo mas malaki ng konti at bago yung tinitirahan namin ngayon. Mas marami ring mga kwarto kasi tig-iisa na kami, di gaya nung dati na magkakasama kaming tatlong magkakapatid sa iisang kwarto. O dahil na rin siguro sa kapapanuod ko ng mga horror movies at balita? Aba! Ewan. Basta madalas akong gulatin ng mga kapatid ko at ni Papa. Lalo na sa tuwing papasok na ako ng entrance o pag nag-uugas ako ng mga pinagkainan namin ng meryenda kasi restricted na yung mga kasambahay sa main floor. Pwera si Mama kasi sa’ming lahat, siya yung hindi mahilig at marunong manggulat. hahaha Tatlong palapag kasi yung bahay namin. Yung sa ground, commercial space at business namin. Main floor naman sa second. Penthouse, attic, maid’s quarter at basketball court naman sa third. Akala nila siguro nakakatuwa. Well, nakakatawa rin ng konti kasi nakakabawi rin ako minsan. hehe Pero parang aatakihin talaga ako sa puso kasi di ko alam kung ibang tao ba yun o sila lang pala. Baka kasi may masamang-loob na nakapasok sa bahay. Di gaya nung sa dati na alam mong wala talagang makakapasok kasi wala kaming bakuran at terrace kasi bungalow lang, maliban na lang siguro kung nakabukas yung gate o hindi na-i-lock. Mabait naman ang Diyos na hindi tayo pababayaan pero mas mabuti na yung ma-ingat at aware. At least I’m on my senses, diba? Pero lately, di na nila ako ginugulat kasi nag-usap na kami na wag na nilang gawin yun. Ang sakit kaya sa puso. haha

Mali-mali - ang tawag sa isang taong di pangkaraniwan na sobrang magugulatin na kung anong sigaw mo, yun rin ang sambit. Kunwari, isinigaw mo sa isang mali-mali ang salitang “Kabayo!” sasabihin niya rin, “Ay, kabayo!” Kumbaga inuulit-ulit niya kung anong sasabihin mo sa tuwing magugulat siya. (Pangasinan term)

Buti na lang alam ni Papa kung anong ibig sabihin nun. haha Nung unang sagot ni Papa kung anong ibig sabihin ng mali-mali, ang sinabi niya, “Paulit-ulit.” Nagulat ako kasi pag may nakita akong maling caption o na meron pang pwedeng idagdag at ayusin, ini-edit ko o dini-delete para magpost ng mas maayos na caption at entry. Ang purpose ko lang naman kasi parang "online journal" ko ang mga accounts ko sa kung ano mang social networks na naka-register ako. Kumbaga, parang photo album na pwede kong balik-balikan at ang maganda pag online, naibabahagi mo sa iba’t-ibang tao. Di naman kasi ako public figure para maging conscious kung ano bang iisipin ng tao kung paulit-ulit o papalit-palit ako ng ipi-no-post na para bang may sayad. Sa tingin mo? Meron o wala? huehue Sabagay, kahit na hindi naman ako artista o miyembro ng media para maging mabusisi at mausisa bago i-finalize ang kung ano mang ipu-publicize, tina-try ko slowly but surely kahit na hindi ako public figure kasi baka naiinis o nawi-wirduhan din yung mga followers ko sakin. hahaha Pero nung pinalinaw ko at tinanong na ipaliwanag ni Papa ng mabuti ulit, naintindihan ko na. Sorry, medyo (o sobrang) slow ako eh. Akala ko may mali-mali ako. wahaha Yehey! Magugulatin lang na nasa lugar. :P

Ngunit kamakailan lang, nakahanap ako ng matinong depinisyon mula sa internet na ipinapaliwanag sa malinaw at detalyadong paraan kung ano ang ibig sibihin ng “mali-mali” mula sa isang blogging site na ito: https://chicogarcia.wordpress.com/2008/06/23/.

Mali-mali - isang taong sobrang magugulatin na nakakapagsalita ng kung ano-ano sa tuwing nagugulat.

Hal. Pag ginulat mo ang isang mali-mali, madudulas o di sinasadyang masabi niya ang kung ano mang iniisip niya sa panahong ginulat siya. Minsan, ito ay nakakatawa o hindi kaaya-aya na ganun na lamang pinagkakatuwaan ng ibang tao. (Filipino term)

Ayon naman sa isang morning show, nabanggit ng isang host na isa siyang mali-mali dahil madalas siyang madapa o masaktan.

Mali-mali - lampa o clumsy sa Ingles.

At ang panghuli ay ang depinisyon na nilikha ko. Madalas ko kasing marinig ang salitang “mali mali” (na walang dash, ha?) sa tuwing palpak o hindi tama ang mga resulta ng isang gawain.

Mali-mali - maraming pagkakamali, palpak, hindi tama ang resulta. 

Hal. “Ano ba naman yan! Bakit mali mali lahat ng mga sinulat mo?”

Mali mali naman kasi yung mga pinagsasabi mo sa klase kaninang recitation eh.”

"Di mo bagay maging hairstylist, mali mali naman kasi yung pag-gupit mo. Di pantay pantay o.”

Note: Yung nabanggit ni Papa ay term sa Pangasinan. At yung depinisyon ng naturang blogging site ay kadalasang bantog ng nakararami na naisalin lamang sa salitang Ingles bilang “slips of the tongue.”